


♧365 Days For Ties♧

by cupidsredcollar



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: (Human) K1-B0 & Iruma Miu are consenting young adults, Adopted Children, Anxiety, Arson, Bisexual Male Character, Crack Fic, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fires, Fluff and Angst, Hajime and Nagito are adults, Hajime and Nagito fighting, Hajime gets called mom, Hajime stressing, Hinata Hajime Swears, Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito-centric, Kokichi gets bullied, Komaeda Nagito Being Komaeda Nagito, Komaeda Nagito's Luck Cycle, Komahina - Freeform, Mentions of characters past, Multi, Nagito has trouble expressing emotions, Nagito is morally grey, Nagito putting things in his ass like it's a black hole, Nagito stole a uterus, Nagito's emotions are all over the place, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romantic Comedy, Romantic Fluff, Self-Esteem Issues, Some characters might have:, Suicidal Thoughts, They adopted (Human) K1-B0 and Oma Kokichi, They both are pregame versions, Unplanned Pregnancy, and being able to take them out like its a backpack, but with plot-, dont ask-, hajime hinata is tired of everything, he totally didn't put animals in there too, lgbtq character(s), meme references, most of this shouldn't be taken seriously, music references, originally an rp from my discord, we need help
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-13 04:00:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28647180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cupidsredcollar/pseuds/cupidsredcollar
Summary: This crack fic follows the misadventures of Nagito and Hajime's adulthood as parents taking care of their many adopted children and Nagito's trash pets. Many events occur that cause tension between the lovers, ranging from evil bullies hurting their son; Kokichi, outsiders trying to separate them from their kids (for good and ethical reason), to Nagito's luck dwindling causing their family to start to crumble.A lot of this story is purely satire and should not be taken seriously. However, just because a lot of this is just comedy, we do address topics revolving around mental issues and other topics matching it. If those topics cause you discomfort to read (even though it's not explained graphically) I think it would be for the best that you avoid reading this.This is a crack fic my sweetheart and I started on discord as an RP. It was merrily a joke, until a bunch of our friends on my server joined us in the charade. Of course, the whole story is too good to just keep to ourselves, so I offered to write a fic matching just about every line of dialogue we said throughout the RP. Of course, I plan to make this a good read, even if most of it is just a joke.(Thank you Bruhnch for making the story title)
Relationships: (Human) K1-B0/ Iruma Miu, Hinata Hajime/Komaeda Nagito, Ishimaru Kiyotaka/Oowada Mondo (mentioned), Mioda Ibuki/Tsumiki Mikan (mentioned), Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi, Soda Kazuichi/ Tanaka Gundham (Mentioned)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 10





	♧365 Days For Ties♧

**Author's Note:**

> (^PLEASE READ THE TAGS^)
> 
> Credit's To Our Actors For This Chapter:  
> (Enjoy some iconic stuff we said from the discord chat during the rp)
> 
> Nagito - (My lovely Beta and sweetheart) - Bruhnch: "Ahahaha Fun fact I played a South Park game and one task was to retrieve something from someone’s asshole—"
> 
> Hajime [and several other characters] - Kitbo (Me): "YOU ATE MY ORANGES!"  
> 
> 
> *I have no other platforms and will only post this fic here*

Drive from work, pick up the kids, drive home and pray the house isn’t burnt down ~~or worse~~ . This is Hajime Hinata Komaeda’s daily life as the husband of the Ultimate Luck. Currently in traffic on a hot day in September, Hajime had taken Nagito’s car to work that day and has two young children in the back complaining of the heat. Since life can’t get any better, Nagito’s car has its ‘perks’. Sometimes the heat liked to work when it was hot, and the air conditioner would just so happen to turn on when it was cold. Other days it would just crap out and choose to not work. Of course, Hajime would insist on a new car, but Nagito was superstitious about it. He would say shit like; “Ah, but Hajime, what if the new car gets in a crash. At least this one has only side swiped someone and killed a deer.” God, Hajime just wanted to fall into bed and ~~die~~ sleep. 

“Mom! It’s so hooot can we open a window?” Kazuko Tanaka or better known as Tanka, wailed from the back. A son of Hajime and Nagito’s who was totally adopted legally and didn’t get ~~stolen~~ borrowed from Gundham and Kazuichi. He looked just like his animal breeding father. “We’re on the highway, do you want to deafen me by opening the windows?” Hajime glanced at the small boy from the rear view mirror. “We’ll be home soon, you can have some ice cream when we get there, just not too much.” Hajime made a left turn signal, he liked to pride himself on driving well, or at least better than his husband. 

“Oh! I want ice cream to Mommy! Please, please, please?!” Hajime sighed with a smile, before replying, “Fine, but one scoop each. Your Dad is cooking dinner tonight and I don’t want him disappointed that you weren’t hungry enough to eat it.” Hajime drove up the juncture of the highway and stopped at a light. “Dad won’t be upset. He thinks his food is bad too.” Hajime sighs at Tanka’s words. “He says that because he thinks it’s bad, doesn’t mea-“ 

“No, it’s gross, Daddy’s food is bad.” Hajime can only laugh at Masami’s words. She is only five and didn’t care for being a princess for anyone. She was adopted on a whim. She was so precious with her evil grin and sinister laugh that Nagito just took her… or… well… eh, it’s too late now. Hajime sighed, at least he could see their house in the distance; still standing there like it wasn’t about to explode. When he parked in the driveway he could safely say the day had gone well. The house was still standing and Hajime’s car was back from repairs, not a scratch or scrape in the paint. Hajime felt relief as he got the kids to the front door. By this point anything could be happening inside. 

In Hajime’s memory, his mind recalled the time the roof was caved in after Nagito fell through it after a pretty insane job he did. Of course, Hajime never got the details on it, but the roof needed repairing. At least their eldest son repaired it with no trouble, he was talented like that. At least that was one less thing Hajime had to worry about. He unlocked the door, expecting a full on fire hiding behind the door, but no, the home was quiet. Hajime sighed and let the two small children into the house. They took off their shoes messily and ran off into the living room laughing and squealing like they were a bunch of pigs in a pen. Hajime took off his shoes, and didn’t have the heart to reprimand them to put their shoes away properly. 

Besides the feral screeching the house was quiet, a little too quiet. Their teenage sons wouldn’t be home for another hour, so the home wasn’t bustling with laughter and noise. If the house is quiet, that's a bad thing. Hajime padded into the kitchen where he expected his husband to be, but sure enough there was no tall man standing at the stove. 

“Nagito?!” Hajime called only to get tapped on the shoulder moments after. “Hi Hajime! I’m doing laundry.” The brunette turned and stared up at Nagito and sighed. “You’re really going to give me a heart attack at some point.” Nagito only laughed and shook his head. He went back into the laundry room with Hajime in tow as he talked. “Don’t say that Hajime, I don’t want my luck to give you the misfortune of such a painful death.” Hajime just stared with deadpan. “Sure, and dying in general isn’t a bad thing.” Hajime crossed his arms and leaned against the dryer watching his husband slowly fill the washer with clothes. Hajime admired him as he did so. He is so pretty and Hajime doesn’t know what to do with this tall masterpiece, even if he is a piece of work, Hajime couldn’t ignore him when he’s got such an attitude of his own. For Hajime, Nagito’s his match, his match that both exceeds him and improves him as a person. He can only wish he does the same for the lucky man. 

“Did my tie end up in there?” 

“What tie?” Hajime rose a brow and glanced down into the basket. The only things left inside were a band t-shirt and a lonely sock. 

“You know the one, it’s green and it’s really special to me. I left it out for the wash.” Hajime looked Nagito over and could visibly see him swallow.

“What did you do with it.” Nagito glanced around, quickly putting the last two articles into the washer.

“Well, it’s not really a question of what I did with it.” Hajime’s eyes narrowed, “Okay, what did you _do to it,_ then.” Hajime watched the white haired man's lips purse. “Nagito, where is it?” His voice became wary as he leaned forward; interrogating his nervous demeanour. 

Nagito fidgeted under Hajime’s gaze, but didn’t stop with the laundry. Nagito turned the nozzle and got the washer going. “Nagito?” Hajime watched him reach into a cupboard and pull out a bleach bottle. “What the hell are you doing with that,” Hajime watched him unscrew the cap and take a swig. “Wow…” Hajime just stood there in complete and utter calm. “You fucking ate it didn’t you.” Nagito choked on the liquid and turned to him. The lucky man stared at Hajime, then down to his side, where Hajime felt a tiny poke on the side of his thigh. 

“Mommy? Can you open this pretty please?” Hajime looked down and found his little girl Masami with a box of ice cream. “Sure. Like we agreed, one scoop.” Hajime opened it and looked down at her brown eyes. “One scoop Masami.” He hesitated, but she jumped and took it before Hajime could do anything else with it. 

The shorter man turned back to Nagito who had put the cap back on the bleach. “I’m not feeling the effects.” Nagito appeared mildly disappointed. “Yeah, like I would keep bleach in our house when I live with someone like you. Now cough it up, where’s the tie?” Nagito grinned at Hajime’s words. “It’s in my ass,.” Hajime choked on his spit. 

“I-In-In your huh?!” Nagito smirked evilly. 

“I’ve got all kinds of stuff up there.” 

Hajime couldn’t resist asking, “Li-Like what?” Nagito’s grin only deepened. “I’ve got jelly beans in there, as one of the many things.” 

Hajime’s eyes widened. “A-A whole bag of jelly beans?!” Nagito laughs, “A whole bag, plus nineteen more.” 

“Twenty bags?!” 

“So you _can_ do math.” Hajime frowns at the accusation and crosses his arms. “You make it sound like that's so impressive, I can fit a whole orange in my mouth.” Hajime puffs out some air. 

“I could probably fit a whole person inside me.” Nagito points out, which makes Hajime incredulous. “Yeah right, let me know when you find a willing participant.” Hajime waved him off and walked into the kitchen. “What’s for dinner, or am I cooking again tonight?” Nagito came up behind him with a hand at his chin, seemingly giving some serious thought to dinners plans. 

“Oh! I know just the thing!” Nagito somehow pea’d on the floor. Hajime was disgusted and somehow found it within himself to be impressed. He watched Nagito pick up the peas and put them in a skillet. “You’re kidding right?” Hajime couldn’t believe the utter bullshit he just witnessed. “You’re fucking serious?” Nagito turned to look at his disapproving husband. 

“What's wrong Hajime? They were best before tomorrow, we should use them before they go bad.” 

“Yeah, and I’m not subjecting our kids to fermented ass peas.” Hajime walked over and removed the skillet from the heat of the stove. 

“I’ve unanimously decided we’re ordering out tonight, I’ll go shopping tomorrow.” 

Hajime sighed and yanked the apron off of Nagito to hang up elsewhere. His husband looked slightly disappointed, but it couldn’t be helped, who the fuck would want ass peas? Hajime came back to a sulking Nagito and handed him a bottle with a laxative. “Drink this, I want my tie back by tomorrow. Go sit on the can.” Nagito’s brows turned into a frown. “But Hajime, I don’t-“ 

“Nagito, either you take it out, or I do it for you.” Hajime pushes the drink forwards more insistently, clearly not interested in brute force. Nagito sighs with a pout and takes the drink and heads upstairs to their shared bathroom with Hajime following behind. “Why are you coming with me? You want to watch me sit there and wait for things to happen, how hopeful you must be Hajime.” The brunette didn’t reply and chose to ~~gently~~ push Nagito into the bathroom and board the door with the chair at their vanity. “Why’re we locking door’s Hajime?” The brunette huffed. “Because I know you’re not going to do it if I don’t keep you in there until you do.” 

“There, I’ve got your tie Hajime.” 

“Really?!” He went to open the door, but stopped. “Oh you’re fucking playing around aren’t you.” Hajime crossed his arms and glared at the door when there was no immediate reply Hajime went to leave.

“Fine Hajime, I’ll get your tie back.” Triumphantly Hajime grinned at the disappointment in Nagito’s voice and tapped on the door. “Okay! Don’t take too long, the food will be here once I’ve ordered it, and you won’t want to miss out.” Hajime made sure the chair was secure and left back down the stairs. 

* * *

It turns out waiting for a tie to pass through Nagito was proving futile. Dinner was done and Hajime had tried to feed Nagito. He of course refused with a childish grin. He would turn his head left to right avoiding the chopsticks that Hajime attempted to feed him with. Hajime had to drag him out of the bathroom to get him to eat, but he ran away the second he opened the bathroom door. Hajime had to play hide and seek in order to find him, which was not amusing in the brunette’s opinion. 

Now, Hajime managed to get Nagito seated at the table; trying to get him to eat. Nagito eyed it, but refused to eat it. “Why won’t you just let me have my tie back?! I really liked that tie when it was around my neck and not stuck in your bowels.” Hajime huffed when Nagito only grinned in response. Hajime turns back to the plate and chooses some noodles instead. “Come on Nagito~ open u–'' Of course, the one second Hajime looked away the bastard snuck off. 

Hajime whined and stood up. He couldn’t have gotten very far, so Hajime left the dining room and went through a short hallway; he peeked into the living room and could see a tuft of white hair hiding under a blanket. A pleased grin appeared on Hajime’s face as he crept over to the figure under the blanket. Hajime yanked back the blanket and frowned at the sight of his sleeping son Tetsuya. Just when Hajime thought there wasn't a smidgen of luck in his favour he turned around and caught Nagito run past the arch leading from the den. “You motherfuc-“ Hajime chased after him, running through the open door and along the lawn to the backyard. Hajime sighed when he found him lying on the ground staring up at the sky.

The brunette walked over and stared down at him. “Funny to see you here Hajime. What could you possibly desire from me?” Hajime only replied with a stank eye. Nagito grinned back with playful mirth choosing to sit up in the grass.

“Why are you putting my tie in there.” 

“Why not Hajime?”

“Answer the question.”

“Because I put things I want in there, obviously.” Nagito rolled his eyes dramatically as though that were the most obvious answer.

Hajime sighed. He knew Komaeda wouldn’t be kind to him about it. Stressed and tired he glanced back through the living room window. Clear as day he could see Masami causing antics. She jumped all over Tetsuya who in turn bickered with her. Hajime furrowed his eyebrows, he couldn’t see the other feral child with her, which was odd.

“Have you seen Tanka?” Hajime blurted. By this point Nagito had stood up and was looking off into the distance. “Tanka? Oh! He’s right here…” Hajime’s face went pale with fear as he watched his husband extract Tanka from his ass as though it were a backpack. 

“Tanka- NA-NAGITO??!!” Hajime had to take a step back and hold in his dinner as the child was covered in all kinds of objects ranging from orange peels to Hajime’s car keys- wait what?!

“Nagito! What the fuck?! Is he okay?!” 

“What? He’s right here Hajime, safe and sound.” Nagito patted the small boy's head smiling happily, clearly not seeing how horrible this is. 

“Give him to me, this is fuc- this is- this is ridiculous!” Hajime watched Nagito put the ~~crying~~ child back in. Angry and worse for wear, Hajime seethed, dragging Nagito to the hose on the side of the house.

“What are we doing Hajime?” Nagito’s happy go lucky voice sang as he was pushed onto the ground by his husband.

“I’m FORCIBLY flushing you out, obviously.” Hajime replied back, pretending to roll his eyes as well. Nagito was just amused as he got up and ran for it when he saw the brunette pick up the hose and go to turn it on. Hajime groaned out tiredly, but easily caught up with him. Hajime even tried to get him into the car, but it was like pulling teeth, difficult and a waste of fucking time. 

“Alright, either we go to see a professional or we do it here, there is a child in your ass!” 

“You make it sound like I don’t know that.” Nagito replied back, his hands and legs jutted out on the sides of the car door like a cat being forced into a bathtub. 

“Fuck it! We’re doing it here.” Hajime hoped to god no one heard their conversation just then. He dragged Nagito back into the house and upstairs to their bathroom. He helped him so his body was hunched over the bathtub; ass out. He got the water on warm and began to–hopefully–extract his son and his tie from his husband's asshole. 

“Help me get him out, he’s still stuck in there,” Hajime leaned forward and tried to get more leverage to get Nagito in a better position, “And no more shoving Tanka in there, ever again!” Just thinking those words in his mind was hard to stomach. 

“Ugh… How else am I going to carry him like a marsupial???” Nagito sighed back through clenched teeth. Hajime’s laboured breaths of fear then translated into anger. 

“GET A KANGAROO POUCH!”

“MY ASSHOLE IS ONE.” 

“NO ITS NOT!”

“YES IT IS!” 

The two glared at one another.

“Fine, I will get you one.” The two stared at each other before ‘hmmfing’ choosing to agree to disagree. 

After a few tense moments the child freed himself from being a prisoner to his fathers bowels and stared at Nagito with terrified eyes. Hajime could only sigh in relief knowing their ~~stolen~~ son was kinda safe? Hajime didn’t want to imagine the kinds of things Tanka saw. 

Hajime watched Nagito’s face wilt in discomfort. “Are you okay? ~~Is that even a question???~~ ” He offered, after helping Tanka get cleaned off. Nagito shook his head with a frown sitting there tensely. Hajime stood close by, rubbing a hand up and down Nagito’s back. He wasn’t really sure what else to do but to start the flushing out process. He pulled the hose out for a second to adjust it, Hajime heard something fall out and asked, “Is-Is that a thermometer?”

“Oh, well I guess so!” Nagito chuckled at it when he turned to look. The water continued to fill him up, hopefully it would get stuff moving, maybe Hajime will be seeing his tie really soon? “You know, that thermometer says your insides are 98 degrees. That’s hot, what are you baking in there?! Another baby––no, dinner…?” He playfully guessed while Nagito whined in discomfort. 

“If you know––why bother asking?” Nagito rolled his eyes and leaned forward uncomfortably. Hajime paused in surprise; the hose was still running water into Nagito. 

“W-Wait, are you implying something? How could I have made you gregnanté?”

He swallow’s nervously and stares at Nagito warily, wondering if he’s lying or telling the truth. He had to be lying since it would make no sense for a biologically born male to get prognoter. Hajime pulled out his phone and called someone who knew more about a situation like this than himself.

“ ~~What the fuck do you want?~~ Hello?” 

“ ~~A baguette~~ Hi Izuru, I have a bit of a situation. Is it possible for Nagito to get poggers?”

“ ~~And a brioche~~ You mean pregnant?” 

“Yea that, can you tell me?.” He laughed into the phone and ignored Nagito’s uncomfortable noises from behind him.

“Well no, but because he stole Junko’s ute–-“ 

“Thanks, I just wanted to make sure he was lying.” He hung up and turned back to his very unimpressed husband. 

“You’re such a liar.” Hajime griped back with a sigh.

“I’m not lying.” The white haired man growled under his breath, shifting around impatiently.

Hajime stared down at him, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Who’d you fuck.” Hajime glared at Nagito, knowing if he didn’t catch his lie he would have to find it for himself. 

“It’s Izuru’s.” Hajime paused and pulled out his phone again. “Yea right, he wouldn’t fuck you…” Hajime nervously said under his breath as the number was dialed.

Hajime watched Nagito pull a prefnancy test out of his ass. “Here.” The brunette took it and could see it was positive. 

“What now???” Izuru’s unsavory voice called through the speaker. Hajime put on his big boy voice, “Di-Did you… did you do it with him…” He stared at the tiles feeling embarrassed. 

“I don’t even know how to do that.” Izuru hung up. Hajime frowned and glared down at Nagito who shrugged and laughed, “Ouch-”

“Who fucked you?!” 

Nagito sweats under Hajime’s ~~big tiddies~~ narrowing gaze. The hose is STILL running.

“You still love me right???” Nagito nervously laughed, this only made Hajime’s brow twitch.

The bathroom’s tension rises. Tanka sits awkwardly on the bathroom counter, being stared at by a woman through the bathroom window––somehow that freaks him out more than anything else he’d been through all day. Hajime stands rigidly while Nagito sweats more on what he can say now.

“I don’t understand you sometimes.” Hajime groaned tiredly. 

“Good.“ Nagito yanks the hose out of his ass and sprints out of the bathroom.

‘I– Nagito there is ass water––“ He lets out a heavy breath and crosses his arms as he follows the water trail on the ground. “You look pregnant!” He called after him–it was a lie considering Nagito still looked like a twink. 

Nagito calls back while running, “It’s yours!” Hajime’s heart both drops and squeezes at that. 

“IKNOWITSMINEWHOELSEWOULDFUCKINGDOIT???” Hajime yells back in frustration, almost disbelieving that this was the truth. It had to be, Nagito is just THAT lucky. 

Hajime managed to wrangle up Nagito and get him back into the bathroom after several minutes of debating. Hajime tried to point out that putting things in his ass is unsanitary, while the white haired man would only disagree. Of course, the fight ended unfinished when Nagito doubled over in pain. 

“Wh-Where’s Tanka?” An angry look on Nagito’s face only got angrier when another hose was put inside his ass. The hose began to suck out all the water and whatever else that’s in there.

“I thought you had him in the pouch…” (yes the pouch magically appears)

“No, you took him out?” Nagito paused and frowned in thought.

“Did you fucking shove him back in there?!” Hajime pushed Nagito’s shoulder in disgust and anger. He literally just explained his annoyance with him doing that, but here they were not even three minutes later having the same discussion. 

“No!” He whined sadly, “Where is my ~~stolen~~ ADOPTED KID?!”

Just when Hajime was going to go ape-shit, a loud clogging sound came from the hose. 

“Uh– stuck in the hose…” Hajime feels himself losing whatever hope or luck there was just from watching all of this bullshit unfold in front of him. He didn’t want to know what kinds of stuff Nagito thought of on a daily basis. 

“AHHHH!!!” Nagito screamed and tried to get Tanka out of the hose. 

Even then, Hajime already knew enough about Nagito and wasn’t sure if he took pride in knowing him better than others, or pity in that realization. 

The couple manage to get the kid out of the hose, Tanka’s looking pretty dead. Nagito’s eyes welled up, “NOOOO!” 

Hajime could only frown at the dramatic reaction. Of course, this whole situation was over the top in the first place; then that was when Hajime realized he should just shut the fu––

“I ate poop so I could survive, Dad’s butt hole is so loose that I fell out many times. He even sat on meeee~!” Tanka cried loudly, completely covered in ~~shit~~ whatever was inside Nagito’s ass. “He fed me orange peeeeeels!” The small child cried even louder at the mere memory. 

“Tanka! I’m so sorry!” Nagito hugs the small boy and ~~laughs~~ cries. Hajime stands there awkwardly. ~~shitisliterallyeverywhere~~

Both cry for several minutes while Hajime just stands there staring. “Uh–Alright well… you’re still covered in shit and other things, so I’m assuming you expect me to clean that correct?” Nagito only nods with teary eyes, making sure Tanka doesn’t look at what his Mom is about to do. 

(at this point I am so sorry)

Hajime hooks the machine back up and it starts sucking again. Instantly a rifle comes out. 

“I––What the fuck?!”

“OHHH, that’s where it went…” 

Hajime could only blink and continue. “Nagito… is that– is that ~~cum~~ ice cream?”

“Yes.”

“I’m not even going to ask who’s,” Hajime’s sigh could be heard over the loud sucking from the machine, “Next thing you know I’m gonna find out you keep Kazuichi in your ass.” Hajime laughed at the joke, and anxiously looked at Nagito for a correction. 

“Three times.” Nagito said, taking interest in his nails. “Wait what?! NAGITOFORFUCKSSAKE!––”

“He’s my best friend, what can I say??” Nagito put emphasis on the word friend and stared at Hajime with a broad smile.

“I’ll shove him in your mouth.” Hajime threatened emptily. Nagito winked, “His dick?” Hajime, angrily replied, “Yea, sure, whatever you want. You don’t want me, so it’s good.” He continued the sympathy search, “I’m just a stepping stone, a rock.”

Nagito cried out a ‘No’ at the frown on his husband's face. Hajime took a breath and watched as hair came out. 

“So that’s where your ACTUAL hair went, you ate it?” Hajime inspected Nagito’s stare. 

“No…” 

“How’d it get there then?”

“It’s just… there…” 

A rat comes out in a hurry, squeaking in terror.

“I–”

“Oh, Remmy! How’re you doing?” ~~Sans comes out~~

“How many people are you having affairs with???”

“I am having zero affairs.” Nagito seems unfazed, “I just put them in my ass.”

“Right…” 

“I consume them✨.” A very pleased grin appears on the white haired man's face as his eyes spin a little. 

“Well, I thank god you don’t do that to me.” Hajime put on a forced smile.

“I would NEVER.” Nagito passionately shouted. Hajime didn’t know whether to feel offended or grateful. 

“Good to know I guess?” Hajime shook his head and watched as a whole chicken–raw, uncooked, practically still alive, came out of Nagito. 

“It was for Tanka.” Hajime shook his head and sighed in what looked like disappointment. “I even put a light in there for him too.” 

A flashlight comes out. “That makes sense…” He couldn’t help when his eyes grew expressively wider as rats and bugs exit the premises. “Are you sure you’re not dying in there?” 

“No.”

“You’re not sure?” Hajime laughs and chokes on his saliva when Nagito coughs up blood, “I’m fine Hajime.” The brunette's mouth purses together when there’s just gas, a shoe, several rocks and a block of cheese.

“The cheese was for Remmy. Asshole didn’t eat it.” Nagito crossed his arms angrily.

“Why is there an umbrella––NO, wait, let me guess. For the shit storms?” Hajime rolled his eyes and took it out carefully.

Nagito gasped in offence. “No! For Rihanna.” 

“I– okay jeez…” Hajime watches as Junko’s arm plops out, a pile of teeth, tons of discoloured water and soup cans. “That was for Tanka, I even put a can opener in there too.” Stuffed animals covered in debris make their exit. “Those too.” A pack of cigarettes. Hajime held up the page shocked and stares Nagito down. “Old habits...?” Nagito shrugged and laughed when Hajime threw the package gruffly. 

Even Izuru’s wig makes an entrance, one of Junko’s fingernails, a wrench and an ahoge–– “Hey thats mine!” Hajime grabs the dead and limp ahoge and frowns sadly. “I’ve been looking for my ahoge for four months!” Hajime glares at Nagito who winces in discomfort as the water tapers off and bugs come out. 

“You weren’t eating those were you?” Hajime asks in concern. “Maybe,” Was the only reply he got before blood started to come out of Nagito’s ass. Hajime’s mouth drops open in shock. 

“Ahhh… I-I’m feeling a bit lightheaded Hahaaha…” Hajime’s concern was off the charts as he attempted to lift him off the tubs edge, while simultaneously shutting off the water. “Hold on, I’ve got you.” 

“Tell Tanka I love him,” Nagito whispered and shut his eyes, laying back in Hajime’s arms. The brunette’s brow twitches, “You’re not going to die, I’m sure it’s just the sheer amount of stuff you had in there ~~and because anime.~~ ”

Hajime manages to lay Nagito down on their bed with a towel under him. He grabs out his phone and calls up Mikan for help. 

“H-Hello?”

“Hi Mikan, Nagito has a major _ass_ issue, could you come help?” He gets an ‘Okay, I’ll be there in a minute.’ and hangs up with a strained sigh. 

“Alright, she’ll be here in 10 minutes. In the meantime we need to stop the bleeding, there might be another reason why that's happening.” Nagito could only comply, too exhausted to cause a fuss. 

Hajime attempts to put a butt plug into Nagito, but as Tanka had said before, his hole was too loose for the plug. ~~we don’t question why they have one.~~

“Just shove your fist in there?” Hajime asked as he brought Nagito’s hand down to his ass by his wrist. Dazed and tired Nagito replies right away, “Yes, yes I do.” 

“Tsk, I wasn’t asking if you do that, I was asking if you will, to stop the bleeding.” 

“No.” Hajime couldn’t deal with him already, and now this? Fuck that. He chose the next best thing and shoved Junko’s dead fist up his ass, successfully stopping the bleeding.

“This doesn’t feel right. ~~you literally put it in your ass before I–~~ ” 

“Yea, well either you do it or you bleed out and die.” Harsh but true, Nagito’s eyes spun wildly at the proposition. Hajime shakes his head and leaves to get some medicine for him downstairs. 

Tanka’s small voice is what knocks Nagito out of his hope-filled daze. “Daddy, you said you only put stuff you want in there, so… why did you put me in there???” He paused and frowned, “It was scary.” 

“You answered your own question.” Nagito smiled and patted Tanka’s head. 

Tanka stares up at his Dad like a lost puppy, “You wanted me in there??” Avoiding the question Nagito spoke in a more gentle voice, one he only ever used on Hajime and his kids. “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again.” He stared down at his lap pensively. 

Tanka laughs sweetly and pats his Dad’s arm. “It’s okay Daddy, at least I got to hide from the scary lady.” Tanka offered 

“Scary lady?” Nagito raises an eyebrow. 

“Yes, the scary lady.” He stares at his Dad, waiting for him to instantly know but Nagito only looks perplexed, so the child continues, “She’s been here since Mom put the hose in, she likes big brother Tetsuya and has big udders.” He explains.

Nagito instantly knows who his child is speaking of and laughs at the description of her. 

“Oh…” Nagito nods in understanding and offers a smile. Their quiet for a moment before Tanka speaks again, “Daddy, is it true, is there really a new baby coming?” 

“Who knows.” He replies 

“Oh, oh, oh! Can I have a baby ferret?!” He bounces on his knees excitedly on the bed. 

“Sure, why not?” Nagito smiles knowing Tanka will instantly forget asking that, and won’t have to follow through with his request. 

“My old Daddy made lots of baby animals, but never let me around them.” Nagito watches him frown sadly. 

Nagito watches the child sigh unhappily with the memories. “Tanka, would you ever want to go back to your old parents?” The small boy's eyes grow bigger with tears as he looks up at his Dad. “Do I have to go back?” 

“No, not unless you want to.” The idea of the small boy leaving the family made Nagito sad too, and hoped–he should stop using his luck so much–he would stay forever. 

The child smiled gleefully, “Yay! I like it here.” Even after putting him through all that Nagito did, the boy still wanted to stay. _Wow, that's a whole new level of luck!_

“Then I’m glad!” Nagito grinned, rubbing his head playfully. 

“Oh… so you had the b-baby just now?” Nagito glanced up to the doorway, Mikan and his husband were there. 

“No?? This is my ~~stolen~~ adopted kid.” Hajime sweats nervously–they almost got caught again. 

Hajime sweats nervously–they almost got caught again. 

“R-Right… So why did you call me to come?” 

“I told you he’s having ass issues.” 

“I’m kinda bleeding from my ass.” Nagito gives her a tired thumbs up and lays back.

~~Mikan eyes that ass~~ “I... m-might have to take you to the hospital for that.” Mikan frowns at the sight of Junko’s arm shoved up his ass as she calls an ambulance. 

“Ohh… Okay.” Nagito's delirious voice calls into the room as he shuts his eyes again. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t think to call an ambulance in the first place Hajime.” Hajime purses his lips together, noticing Mikan’s confidence has risen a lot after having been with Ibuki for so long. 

“Sorry, it looks like we have to go there.” Hajime walks over to the bed and tries to get something on Nagito to cover him up better. “I know it’s scary for you, but I’ll be there.” Hajime tried to offer some reassurance, but if he was being honest, he was a little scared about Nagito’s situation too. 

“As long as the kids are okay, I’ll be fine.” The white haired man offered another thumbs up and gave an unconvincing smile. 

“We can have Miu watch over them.” Hajime says as he helps Nagito sit up. 

Nagito pauses for a second and shakes his head slowly, “Uh… how about somebody else?” He laughs at the way Hajime easily reads why. “Well, she’s already here, but okay. Who wouldn’t mind watching them on short notice?” Hajime’s brain dies, too much was happening at once, he didn’t have the emotional capabilities to deal with this much at once. 

~~Taka and Mondo slide in on butter~~

“Hello fellow ~~gays~~ men, I have come to assist in the watching of your offspring.” Taka stands straight up and down like a soldier, with his partner at his side slouching unimpressed, but willing since Taka wouldn’t take a slacker. 

“Oh– Thank you!” Nagito grins and leans his head against Hajime’s chest for support. “Yea, what he said.” Mondo points to Taka. 

Hajime lifts his husband easily and goes to carry him down the stairs. Nagito pats Tanka on the head one last time and grabs Mondo by the shoulder, “My kid better be in one piece when I get back, alright?” He smiles sinisterly, showing his silenced insanity. Mondo terrified to the bone, nods and stares off into the void. “Do not worry, we will take exceptional care of him.” Taka’s face contorts even farther into a serious stance, that makes Mikan and Hajime cringe. 

“Be good okay?” Nagito says to Tanka and smiles when the boy sticks out his tongue and gives a thumbs up. 

The sirens could be heard outside as Mikan and Hajime went down the stairs and walked out to the driveway to get in and head to the hospital. The doctors inside get Nagito onto the stretcher and rush them to the hospital and to emergency care. 

“So Mr. Komaeda, how did this internal bleeding happen?” The doctor spoke idly as they readied him for surgery.

Nagito smiled happily at the question, “You see, I have a habit of putting things up there–Hahahaha.” The doctor stares down at his patient with surprise and concern. Hajime can only hold the bridge of his nose and shake his head. 

“Well Mr. Komaeda, if you care for your health, I advise against you doing that.” The doctor frowns at Nagito’s smile, “Right, well… uh… Mr. Komaeda?” The doctor looks to Hajime this time, “You can stay if you want, but this procedure will be a bit gruesome.” Hajime nods in understanding and takes a seat in a chair a little bit away from Nagito. 

He watches the doctor put numbing cream where they plan on opening him up. Nagito’s too tired to care and lays there willingly. When it was time, they administered anesthesia to put him to sleep. Hajime gets up and walks over to his lover's side. He can tell Nagito’s holding his breath, fear in his eyes as they water. 

“It’s going to be okay baby, just shut your eyes and it will be over soon.” He held onto Nagito’s hand and watched him breath in the sleeping gas and drift off to sleep. 

“Alright, it’s go time.” The doctor announced and reached for his tools. Hajime couldn’t help but feel bad for this, as he watched the doctor begin his incision. _Well, this is hard to watch._

Hajime watches the doctor carefully open up Nagito. Sure enough, inside of his husband was a baby. 

“What the fuck?! This man has a baby inside of him?!” The doctor lurched forward and checked the baby, “Well, there's your answer to the internal bleeding.”

“I can’t believe it.” Hajime peaked over and regretted looking right away. He watched from his peripheral vision as the doctor checked the baby’s pulse.

“Your baby is alive,” The doctor announces, “The baby looks to be around 8-9 months old, and was bound to have been born sooner or later. It’s a good thing you came now or your baby could have died.” The doctor explained to Hajime who was about to faint. 

The doctor called out to get an incubator ready, as he lifts the newborn out carefully from around the placenta and hands the baby to a nurse close by. Hajime shakes uneasily as he watches them take the baby away. 

“How did– he… huh?” Hajime swallowed thickly as the doctor began to sew Nagito back up. “Doctor, how did he have a child??” 

The doctor chuckled. “Well clearly your husband is a woman. How else would he get a uterus? Steal one? Hahaha!” Hajime’s eyes cast around and get wider with every word. Because yes, Nagito would steal a uterus. Hajime covered his mouth and stood very still. 

“Here's the baby. She’s all cleaned up.” The nurse said, as she walked in carrying their newborn daughter and placing her inside of the incubator. Hajime’s worries stopped flowing when he finally could see the small baby a little better. 

The doctors walked around him finishing up what they needed to do, while Hajime could only pay attention to the small bundle laying in the incubator. 

“To think that we could be so lucky to have you. Let’s hope that our luck keeps coming.” He presses his hand gently over the glass where her tiny baby hand is clenched. Hajime’s eyes water before he steps away and pulls the seat over to Nagito’s bed. He walked to the incubator and wheeled it in front of his seat before sitting down to watch over them as they slept.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, please stick around for chapter 2! 
> 
> Also, if you're interested in joining the discord server here's the link: https://discord.gg/w9BtVJJF
> 
> (Just to clarify with the whole uterus situation, that was not meant to harm anyone or make jokes about gay men. We were more referencing back to when Nagito was a remnant of despair and keeping Junko's body parts is something he does as more of a punishment to remind himself of why he's still around. So if you were wondering what we were trying to do with that situation, it was not meant to hurt anyone and hopefully came off as funny and not harmful, I doubt it will be referenced again, and I'm sincerely sorry to which it may have offended.)


End file.
